December 3, 2003
 BDSM is Key to the Sexual Future

I believe that the future of adult sexuality lies within BDSM; the key to a wonderful sex life lies within BDSM; the key to building a good close relationship with a partner you can trust and who will trust you in return, in and out of the bedroom, lies within BDSM; and the key to understanding all parts of yourself and your partner more completely lies within BDSM. These are things everyone wants and things that seem to elude most people in the “vanilla” world.

Most people will either laugh or shake their head at these statements and make jokes about beating up the one you love. This form of sexuality is foreign to them, against everything they were taught about love and relationships, about how to treat and respect the one you love. They will say I'm nuts and may laugh out of nervousness.
For this discussion, I will use “BDSM” as a general term that encompasses kinky sex, sexual fetish, rough sex, bondage, discipline, sadism/masochism, and/or domination/submission, from very light and playful to heavy and intense scenes. I will use “Top” and “bottom” as general terms for Top/Alpha/Dominant/Master and bottom/beta/ submissive/slave.

The definitions of these various terms in a relationship or scene encounter, the depth of mindset, and the specific dynamics of the relationships they create are not important for this discussion because the level of communication and trust that each mindset and each individual requires is different. Some light players need just as deep and open of communication and trust as others who are into a Master and slave lifestyle.

BDSM gives people a framework in which they can consensually explore their hidden fantasies and their kinky side with another person, while at the same time, allowing them to understand and consciously define their Dominant/submissive needs. Exploring and expressing these Dominant/submissive needs is usually played out sexually, and this type of sexual play can give people a better understanding of who they are and what they’re looking for in a partner.

When a commitment is made to explore this Dominant/submissive sexuality between partners, BDSM also offers the ability to expand the horizons of communication outside of the sexual, which can help build a stronger and more successful overall relationship.

Fantasy Leads to Self-Discovery

BDSM can be a very erotic and pleasurable means of self-discovery. Most people have some form of kinky fantasies, or fantasies they perceive to be kinky. These “kinky” people may either know their place in a relationship or they fantasize about that place. They may have fantasies of control (being on top, being Alpha) or submission (being on the bottom, being beta), fantasies of taking charge and feeling power over another person in various scenarios, or fantasies of submitting and being made to obey another person in various scenarios.

These fantasies cause people to seek each other out. They bring people together, people who are searching and needing to be with someone else who has the same kinky desires, fantasies, and interests as themselves. These people want to be with someone who fulfills and complements their desires, someone who respects and appreciates them for who they are and their kinky selves.

As people explore their fantasies together, they begin to discover their previously unspoken needs and the things that bring them pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. They are able to discover where they fit into a relationship, acknowledging and accepting that they are dominant, submissive, or prefer to switch. Communicating these needs and desires forms the foundation of their relationship.

Fantasy Can Lead to Guilt and Betrayal

While most people are overwhelmed by the restraints society has placed on them to conform, the sexual need to explore and break free still exists. BDSM takes people outside of what society accepts as conventional practices by exploring what they fantasize about in the dark regions of their erotic minds.

These dark fantasies have the ability to create guilt for many people, which can lead to inner moral conflict. If a person finds the courage to express these deep, private thoughts to their partner, and these thoughts are rebuffed, the person expressing them may either become embarrassed or become fearful of being condemned as a sick and perverted individual.  The person may fear that those expressed thoughts could later be used against them in an argument or worse. The fear of ridicule and condemnation can lead to mistrust, non-communication, and an unsatisfying sexual relationship that fosters sneaking around outside of the relationship.

Consequently, many people lead double lives resulting in guilt and stress. They conform to the conservative morality of society with their partner for the world to see, but sneak off alone into the shadows of the kinky world, always on the prowl for “discreet” kinky pleasures, and deathly afraid of personal exposure. Unfortunately, this behavior only decreases the trust and communication with their primary partner.

Characteristics of BDSM

Structure and Dynamics:  BDSM is played out in a Top/bottom or Dominant/submissive structure. The dynamics of the relationship are in controlling or submitting, pleasing/serving or being served, caring and protecting or being cared for, giving or receiving. Within this structure and dynamics, BDSM creates its erotic theater in the known and unknown areas of the body, mind, and soul.

Play:  The exhilarating play in this erotic theater evolves from the fears, anxieties, anticipation, thrill of sensation, and the fantasized mental, physical, and emotional dangers and pleasures. It is like the thrill of bungee jumping, skydiving, or racecar driving without the perceived risks.

BDSM play encompasses many physical sensations and many mental, emotional and psychological states. Along with sexual play, gratification and release, it exposes fears, hurts, and insecurities, which can then be explored in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way. Disregarding the fear of being judged for your dark thoughts, for your sexually frightening but erotic desires, knowing you will not be judged but respected and appreciated, allows you to be emotionally open, to expose yourself, to leave yourself vulnerable.

Within the Dominant/submissive structure, BDSM plays with discipline, pain-pleasure, fear, and role-play. A few common examples of BDSM play include soft, light bondage (silk ties or rope), light flogging or spanking, fetishes, and dressing up in uniforms and costumes.  More intense BDSM play may include heavy flogging, whipping, bondage, knife-play, fire-play, breath-play, electricity, mind-fuck, service, or humiliation scenes, which could be anything that makes a person feel uncomfortable.

Open Communication and Trust:  The foundation of a BDSM relationship is the continuous learning about yourself and your partner(s) through open and honest communication. You will learn to reveal your fantasies openly, letting the other person into those private places in your soul, the fears, the dark sides, those places most people keep hidden away.

How can you break free from your personal restraints and trust your partner enough to openly communicate with them? It requires courage and a strong desire to live a fuller, more meaningful life. You have to make the decision that you don’t want to be alone and that you need to connect with someone by expressing your inner needs. You have to realize that exposing your inner thoughts is not going to destroy you or leave everlasting scars. In fact, it does the opposite by opening up old wounds and healing them. Of course, this level of communication requires mutual (consensual) agreement, which leads to trust because you know that both you and your thoughts will be heard, respected, and not judged.

Armed with the courage to reveal yourself, knowing you will be accepted for who you are despite all your fantasies, fears, faults and perceived flaws, and knowing that you want more than just casual play, you’re ready to risk connecting to another person on a higher, more committed level.

A commitment to open communication allows two (or more) people to explore themselves, to share their thoughts and fantasies, to play with their fears and desires, no matter how frightening they may be to each person. The more openly you talk and reveal yourself, the more you will realize that BDSM promotes physical, mental, and spiritual communication.

BDSM Relationships

Connection:  The initial connection between two people is formed by their related needs and desires. For the Top in a BDSM relationship, it is the need to control another person, the exhilaration of taking what you want, of having someone give themselves to you unconditionally, someone who wants to serve you, who gets satisfaction out of pleasing you. The Top controls the speed and tempo, always aware of the dangerous curves ahead.
For the bottom, it is the need and desire to be controlled by another person, to trust, to let go, to please and serve in the BDSM relationship, which is erotic and satisfying to them.
Of course, BDSM cannot make a relationship if there is no underlying chemistry, respect, fondness, or connection between two people. If there is a connection, BDSM gives you the keys to unlock those deep closed doors within yourselves and invites both of you to enter together.

When you first play with someone new, you commit some level of trust to them because you have given them some level of power over you. How much trust are you both committed to at this point? Basically, you’re only playing. You’re talking a little, but you haven’t really exposed your inner self yet.

Honeymoon Stage:  If the relationship continues, after three to four months you will enter the honeymoon stage. This stage is when you reveal some things about yourself, safe things that will put you in a favorable light. You may express some of your deeper thoughts and fantasies, and you’re very excited by the potential of the relationship. You dream of connecting on a deeper level, of being understood, of the freedom of letting go, of being yourself, of being close to another person, and being respected for who you are, but in this stage, there is still the underlying fear and trepidation of revealing too much about who you are on the inside.

Most people do a lot of talking during the honeymoon stage of a relationship, but for some reason the talking soon stops, the doors start to close, and growth in the relationship starts to be guarded, limited. BDSM requires people to continuously communicate, to continuously open up all aspects of their lives, and to continuously explore their inner selves with honesty and openness. Thus, the personal and sexual communication required in BDSM can create and deepen the bonds of respect, love, and play, both in and out of the bedroom, long after the honeymoon is over.

Intimacy and Commitment:  In the commitment stage, you are taking responsibility for the relationship and for your partner’s well-being. When playing in a committed BDSM relationship, not only does the depth of sexual communication lead to letting your partner take you beyond what you thought was possible sexually, it also overflows to enhance communication and trust in other areas of your life, leading to growth in those areas as well.

Therefore, I believe that BDSM can result in people staying in a committed relationship longer because they have embraced intimacy; they have learned the dynamics of who they are, who their partner is, and what each of them is looking for and needing in a partner and a relationship.

BDSM has taught them not only to talk, but also to hear what the other is saying and feeling. It has taught them not only to ask questions, but also to answer each other’s questions thoughtfully and honestly. BDSM has gotten them to explore each other; it has taken them beyond their perceived limits and fears; and it has taken them beyond all their guilt and inhibitions surrounding sex, fantasies, and relationships.

Life has its way of taking its toll on all of us with its stresses and other factors, but BDSM gives us fun tools to support each other. What better way can there be to learn about each other and have a great time in the process?  It is a wonderful experience for two people to learn and practice sexual communication, thus opening the door to a more fulfilling and lasting union.

Is BDSM for everyone? Maybe not, but the communication and trust that it teaches is what all people are looking for in a relationship. Sometimes you just need to take a chance, for life is not a dress rehearsal.

BDSM vs. Conventional Sex

What is conventional (vanilla) sex? It is sex for physical gratification and release, or just for procreation, as some may claim. It is expressed through vaginal, oral, and possibly some kinky anal sex thrown in, but it often lacks the structure, depth of communication, trust, and self-knowledge that is available in BDSM.

While BDSM involves continuous exploring and expanding of physical, mental, and spiritual limits, vanilla sex does not vary from its acceptable moral roots in conventional social structures. While BDSM incorporates consensual exchange of power (control and submission) in an agreed upon structure for the relationship, conventional relationships often involve a struggle for power and control, with partners unsure of their roles, which weakens trust.

Contrary to what conventional society believes, BDSM is not abuse. Society must have laws against abuse; it is inherently wrong; and people who abuse others are sick. Serial murderers, wife/husband beaters, and men/women haters abuse out of uncontrolled anger and hatred and a misguided desire for power and control. This non-consensual abuse causes harm, injury and, at times, even death. This is just plain wrong on any level of ethical thinking, and this kind of horror has no place in the world of BDSM.

BDSM is about the consensual exchange of power and control. It is about mutual sadistic and masochistic pleasure between two people with agreed upon limits (or an agreement that the Top will set the limits). It is not played out of anger or hatred; and it is not done to cause harm, damage, injury, or death. Rather, BDSM is played with responsibility, respect, and communication.

BDSM vs. Religion vs. Spirituality

Some people say that God or religion is the key to a loving, lasting relationship. The common belief is that God is the source of pure love, but in truth, you can love very deeply and not believe in God. At the same time, many who profess a belief in God are neither loving people nor capable of good relationships.

All religions are social institutions created and controlled by mankind for people who share a certain set of beliefs or are frightened and drawn into those beliefs by personal fears or insecurities. Religion and God are two separate things. God did not create religion; man did.

Religions have existed for thousands of years and have repeatedly shown they are schizophrenic and not the answer to good relationships. Religions advocate peace, but make war; they profess love for all mankind, but divide and condemn people. Religions have proven again and again that they keep people apart. They may give people strength by believing they are not alone; they may provide faith for people to live each day and to cherish what they have; but they also separate people with a controlling moral code, a very judgmental and strict moral code of sexual rights and wrongs.

Religions create and promote guilt and fear with their moral codes, which in turn prevents open and honest communication between people. Religions also condemn sexual exploration with another person for enjoyment, self-gratification, good feelings, desires, or wants. Instead of promoting healthy relationships, religious leaders maintain their power and control by feeding off of the guilt and fears they create in their followers.
Fundamentally, the BDSM sexual lifestyle does not reject or exclude any god or religion, nor does it reject or judge an individual based on their beliefs. People may reject or exclude others, but the lifestyle does not. BDSM, as a sexual lifestyle, accepts and embraces people of any religion, faith, morality, nationality, race, or physical appearance. It embraces the love of life and goodness; and it accepts people for who they are, regardless of their sexual interests and practices – excluding activities with children and nonconsensual activities, for obvious reasons.

BDSM is not a religion, but it can lead to a spiritual awakening. As you learn more about yourself and your partner and you are playing in trust and comfort with the ability to go into your Top or bottom headspace, your many layers of self-protection are broken down and you can freely travel to a spiritual place within yourselves, to that most vulnerable place at the core of your being.  Entering into your spiritual core puts you at one with yourself and your partner; it cleanses you from the frustrations and stresses of the outer world, and it creates an incredible peace, exhilaration, and freedom, making the world around you that much clearer.

BDSM and the Sexual Future

In the future, I hope there will come a time when sexuality is studied seriously, in depth, over a long period of time (60+ years), in controlled groups of thousands. These studies should include the long-term mental, physical, spiritual, and health effects of various sexual practices as well as the effects of diet, stress, exercise, age, etc. on human sexuality.  For example, studying the long-term effects of endorphins and other chemicals produced specifically during sexual activity could open up whole new worlds of information that could improve peoples’ overall physical, emotional, and mental health.
BDSM and fetishes must be included in these studies so people will be able to understand the importance and impact of this deep psychological sexuality for healthier lives both in and out of the bedroom. Science and society may be very surprised at the positive influence of BDSM in promoting a healthier lifestyle. The effects of fulfilling mutual sexual needs, wants, and desires, of relieving physical and mental stress, of decreasing feelings of alienation and increasing connections and bonds between partners, the effects of these things on the physical, mental, and spiritual quality of our lives and the positive effects on other people in our lives must be studied. We desperately need to study all aspects of human sexuality.

Although it may take another century or two for BDSM to be accepted within mainstream society, the future of sexuality is aligned with BDSM and its many variations in fetish and boudoir play. The acceptance of BDSM in our society depends on the realization that we are sexual people and that, for the first time, the bedroom can do more than give us temporary gratification.

People equate sex with riding a bicycle, something that comes easily and naturally without conscious thought or effort. Of course, anyone can have unfulfilling sex without feeling or connecting and anyone can play rough without connecting or communicating.
Good sex, fulfilling sex, involves continuous exploration, connecting, learning, and growth. BDSM is the unspoken last frontier of sexuality. This last frontier holds truths, breaks down walls, promotes closeness and intimacy, and it requires all of you – body, mind, and soul.

Sexuality is scary to most people, and BDSM may be downright terrifying, but venturing into this final frontier is well worth the dividends in a healthier and happier life. It is the missing piece in the puzzle of personal and sexual fulfillment and connectedness.
The future importance of BDSM in our society will depend on a strong foundation of communication, education, and play. We need to continue having events that extol its virtues, with educators that teach classes on all aspects of the lifestyle, including both sexual and non-sexual play, both in and out of the bedroom. These events need to educate people on the dynamics of BDSM relationships. Discussions must continue not only on to how to play, but also on the psychology of play, understanding our partners and ourselves, the spiritual side of BDSM, and living in BDSM relationships.

There are numerous books, magazines, toys, types of equipment, types of clothing, etc., that are available for playing, learning, and experimenting. BDSM practitioners have a duty to keep exploring, learning, and then sharing their knowledge. What could possibly be a more fun thing to learn and teach? We are talking about pleasure – erotic pleasure, fetish pleasure, rough sex pleasure – and shared pleasure brings people closer together in all facets of their lives.

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